The universe has a weird sense of humor.  You want to see your work in print but instead you get a pile of rejections.  You want to write something deep and meaningful that will reach people, and instead all that comes out is nonsensical garble.  You want to take the nice flat road and instead you find yourself pushing a giant boulder uphill like Sisyphus.

Like the song says:
“You can’t always get what you want.  You get what you need.”

No, I’m not going to get all new age-y on you, but I definitely think there’s something to be said about a greater construct that can see beyond my own myopic point of view.  Some people call that a divine power.  Others (like Julia Cameron of The Artist’s Way) call it synchronicity.  I like to think of it as the universe having common sense.

Whatever you want to call it, I have seen proof that the universe knows what I need much better than I do.  Some time ago I took a writing class and really hit it off with one of my classmates.  After a couple of semesters in the same class, our lives took us in different directions and we fell out of touch.  A few months ago, I got an email from her out of the blue… only it wasn’t from her exactly; someone had hacked her email account and spammed everyone in her address book.  Even so, it reminded me that here was a writer I wanted to be in touch with and it inspired me to me to reach out and say hello.  Now, months later, she and I have become good friends and she’s one of the go-to people I consult with about writing stuff.  We still crack up about how our friendship was rekindled by a Viagra spam email.

My point is, sometimes the universe plays tricks on writers.  Sometimes a door opens and it doesn’t lead anywhere near where you want to go, but it’s the only open door so you take it anyway.  Sometimes Santa puts coal in your stocking instead of that iPod you wanted.  It happens.  Here’s how to deal:

1)  You can burn it to make fire.  So you got a lump of coal (READ: rejection letter, nasty critique, door slamming in your face).  So what?  Don’t let it get you down.  Instead, think about how you can use it to light a fire in your writing.  Don’t let naysayers stand in your way.  Prove them wrong.

2)  Coal is basically the same as a diamond, only not as well put-together.  What can you do with the coal you’ve got in your hand to turn it into diamond-material?  How can you rearrange those molecules to make that dull lump of gunk into something sparkly and beautiful?

When you find coal in your stocking, think of it as a call to action, a BIG fat hint from the universe.  What you do with that hint is up to you.  After all, a lump of coal is just a lump of coal until you do something with it.

While hanging out in the North Pole, I got a chance to chat it up with Rudolph.  Let me tell you, that is one optimistic little reindeer and a lot of his advice applies really well to writing.  Here are some super-secret tips he shared about how he made it to leading Santa’s sleigh.

Be nosy.  That’s right.  Writers need to have no shame about asking questions so they can learn about exciting new things.  After all, how else do you get all that material to write about?  If you want to know about something, ask.  Or go to the library.  Or ask Google.  And remember: don’t just write about what you know, write about what you want to know.

Develop a thick skin.  Writers are a strange bunch.  They spend years writing a book, then tearing it apart in edits, then querying and collecting rejection letters.  Just as Rudolph had to get used to being picked on by fellow reindeer, writers need a thick skin to survive the volume of rejections that comes with the job.  Rather than letting it get to us, we need to follow Rudolph’s example and just let our noses sparkle.

Don’t let the fog scare you.  At one point or another, all writers hit the fog.  You know, that feeling that nothing you write is ever good enough and “where’s this book going anyway?”  Just remember, real writers don’t just work when the weather’s clear, they write in the snow and wind and fog as well.  And most of the time, it’s when they break through the nasty weather that the real magic happens.

How about you?  What reindeer games have you learned from our red-nosed friend?

Mr. Claus is a wise man.  In fact, when it comes to important things like making toys or writing books (which are almost the same thing, really) he is the head honcho, zen master, Dumbledore and Obi-Wan Kenobi all rolled into one.  I myself have had the privilege to spend some time hanging out with the Big Man, and he’s given me some secret tips on toy-making, writing and life.  In the spirit of holiday sharing, I now pass these on to you.

1) Isolate yourself.  The man in the red suit definitely knows something about productivity.  Imagine making and delivering toys for all the good little children of the world.  That takes serious commitment.  The only way he manages to get everything done is because he makes his home on the most desolate real estate the world has to offer.  Writers too should follow his lead and engage in some major alone time now and again.  It helps us stay focused.

2) Surround yourself with good people.  OK, so maybe in Santa’s case these happen be people with pointy ears and twirly-whirly shoes, but they’re still pretty darn awesome.  The truth is, Santa would get nowhere if it weren’t for his toy-making comrades, and writers would suffer the same fate if they didn’t have buddies to help them stay sane.  These are the people who read our work, keep us motivated and let us know when we’re being a little bit crazy.  We all need them, and need to let them know how much they’re appreciated.

3) Do it for love.  No one in their right mind would dedicate his life to making and distributing toys unless he was seriously committed to his mission.  I mean, how thankless is Santa’s job?  He makes all the loot, flies it around the world in his sleigh and then on Christmas morning, the kids are all: “Thanks Mom and Dad!”  Go figure.  The only way he can make sense of it all is to do it out of love.  The same is true for writers.  Write for love or don’t write at all.

4) Sometimes you have to be a little bit in denial.  A while ago, I interned at a literary agency because I wanted to understand how publishing worked.  After spending each day reading the slush pile, I couldn’t help feeling a little discouraged as a writer, not because the stuff I was reading was horrible but because it was so gosh-darn good.  And I still had to reject it.  I realized that to stay motivated, I had to preserve the illusion that I could make it to the finish line some day.  Just as Santa has to be in denial about certain things (“Yes, I will fit down this chimney”), I needed to give myself permission to be jolly and optimistic or I would spend all my time criticizing my own work and never get any writing done.

5) After a hard day’s work, have some milk and cookies.   Santa is a smart man.  He knows that he needs a little recharging snack during the long haul of Christmas Eve, so he makes time for milk and cookies after each stop.  We writers also need to remember to be good to ourselves.  So go ahead and have some milk and cookies.  Or give yourself an at-home spa day.  Or buy yourself a pair of super-comfy socks.  Whatever you do, just make sure it’s something that will make you feel special and cared for.

In the end, I think Santa’s advice applies pretty much to any calling in life, whether you’re writing a book or making toys or trading stocks or building a space ship.  It’s all about staying jolly.

Today, in honor of the worst travel day of the year, I thought I’d talk about airport security. 

In the past years, security issues have made flying home for the holidays more and more of a hassle.  Crazy X-ray machines that leave nothing to the imagination.  Pat-downs that make you wonder if you should call them in the morning.  And who knows what lies in the future of air travel.  This Thanksgiving is supposed to be the worst travel season to date and of course, the more intense the security requirements, the more travelers like to complain about it.

In light of all this insanity, I’ve come up with a method to help keep me just a little more… sane.  I’ve decided to make an art form out of getting through airport security as efficiently as I can.  As soon as I show my ID at the front of the line, I concentrate on getting all my stuff through the scanner and walking through to the other side as fast as possible.  No sense holding up the line, after all.

While waiting in line, I survey my carry-on situation so I know exactly how many plastic bins I need to grab.  Of course, before I leave home I always make sure to wear shoes that slip on and off easily.  I put my photo ID in my pocket for quick access and always hold onto my boarding pass because they might need to see it more than once.  Oh, and I make sure my quart-size plastic baggie of liquid stuff is out and ready to go so I’m not digging through my carry-on once the race starts.

While other travelers moan and groan about the long lines, I’m glad that I have that extra time to get ready.  By the time it’s my turn, I zip right through.  This past flight I made my best time, under 17 seconds from ID check to all-done on the other side.  Some people might say I’m making light of a serious situation by turning security check into a race for my personal best time, but in the end, it keeps me distracted and prevents me from getting cranky.  And no one can complain that I’m the person holding up the line at security check.

“But what does this have to do with writing?” you might be wondering.

To me, the publishing process is a lot like airport security.  Before you can soar up high, you have to jump through a lot of hoops, most of which are completely out of your control.

A lot of writers end up griping about the process because it seems to be so gosh-darn unfair, but what we really should do is make it into a game.  Have a little fun.  Make a joke or two.  After all, that’s what many very successful authors did when they were getting started and it sure seemed to work for them.  Take Stephen King, for instance: he stabbed his rejection letters through a peg on his wall until the stack got so heavy the peg broke.

We need to recognize which aspects of the process we can control and which ones we cannot.  When I travel, I try to maximize how efficiently I perform all the steps that I can control, and I’ve found that the same can be true with my writing.  I can’t control if an agent likes my work, but I can make my query and submission as strong as possible.  I can’t make a literary magazine accept my short story but I can edit the piece until it’s as good as I can make it.  I can’t guarantee that I’ll get published but I can write every day, and that’s half the battle right there.

So whether you’re waiting in line or jumping through hoops, try to remember to take things a little less seriously and have some fun.  And it never hurts to smile because sometimes those security folks will even smile back.